Meet your coach!
National Academy of Sports Medicine Certified Personal Trainer
my FITNESS journey
Before you read about my fitness journey I want to warn you that it may be triggering to some people. I by no means took the easy road to fitness. However, I feel that the fastest way to trust is to be trusting first.
I am being extremely vulnerable sharing this story with you. There are a lot of parts to this that I don't love. That I wish never happened. However, despite it all I know that I wouldn't be half the woman I am today were it not for these struggles, and so I feel that it is my duty to be transparent.
I used to hate this photo of me. I was depressed, suicidal, I was 18 and I was 200lbs.
I remember coming home from High School and playing World of Warcraft every night, and binging. I would binge on Twix. I'd eat 6 full size Twix in one sitting, and Vanilla Bean Ice Cream. A scoop at a time in a single cake cone. Cone, cone after cone. It was the perfect ratio one scoop and one cake cone.
I didn’t go out, I barely had friends. I hated myself. I had no purpose, I couldn't see the point in living, and I felt like I just "couldn't even" most of the time. Food gave me comfort and so I filled myself with it.
I had no idea how detrimental fueling myself with garbage food, and being inactive was on my mental health and wellbeing. Looking back now no wonder I was depressed.
When I first decided to lose weight it wasn't because I wanted to be healthy, or feel good. It was because I wanted boys to like me. I had no idea where to start or how to lose weight in a healthy way so I became anorexic. I would eat one small meal a day, usually comprised of convenience store junk food, and Red Bull.
I did lose the weight, but the void I used to fill with food was still there. Eventually my inability to manage my emotions through years of stuffing them down and ignoring them led me to prescription drug addiction.
Adderall became my diet pill of choice, and I became obsessed with being over productive, and fitting in size 0 jeans. At 19 years old I was 5' 5" and weighed 90lbs. My ribcage was so concave that when I laid down it made a hollow so deep you could eat a bowl of cereal out of it. I was sick, I was weak, I was still depressed, but I was skinny.
Eventually my drug addiction landed me in rehab. If you listened to me talk on the Steel Mace Nation podcast you may already know that I found fitness in rehab.
Now I look at this photo, and I’m proud.
I’m proud I got out of that headspace.
I’m proud I lost the weight.
I’m proud that I’m no longer depressed or manic or whatever they called me back then.
These changes didn't happen for me overnight.
They don't happen for anyone overnight.
Honestly my first attempts at weight loss were extremely unhealthy. Because I was depressed
I gained agency over my life. I choose the path and I decide where I’m headed now. I take responsibility when I fuck up and I change my trajectory instead of having a pity party and drowning myself in food and video games. I want you to know that you can too. I want you to know that you have more control over your life than you think, and that I know this because I have been there too.